The rain fell as steadily as the tears ran down my face.
The poorly executed chalk outline of my past ten years began to blur at the edges.

I thanked the decade for the love.
The loss.
The silver-grey hair.
The changing landscape of my body.

Thank you.

Steam curled lazily from my morning cup of java and I asked myself:

What did I learn?
How does it serve me?
Can these lessons serve others?

And quicker than a rush at Starbucks on three-dollar coffee day, the answer came:

Hell yes.

But first, I had to get off the couch.
And you, my Magnolia blossom gliding down the path of healing, might have to do the same.

Take my hand. We’ve got this.

The love of my life and I had mapped out the next five years over a glass of Bulleit in a stylish condo in Newport Beach. The plan was beautiful. Stable. Safe. Full of love.

Two weeks later, I was sitting on the stone floor of my living room holding his hand as it grew cold in mine.

My heart ached.
My eyes were swollen.
The world stopped spinning.

Do you know that feeling?
The air sucked out of the room.
The light snuffed out by the dark.

I can’t tell you how to grieve or how long. That belongs to you, my brave Moonflower. But you must claim it. Own it. Let it wash over you.

This is not your ending.

This is your beginning.

And you are going to be glorious.

A little over a year later, rain drizzles under a smoky grey sky while my blood-red fingertips glide across the keyboard.

The pain is still there.
But it doesn’t take up as much space.

The panic.
The guilt.
The despair.

They linger in the background—present, but no longer oppressive.

Now I use them. You can too.
They shape a new life.
An empowered life.
A fulfilling life.

At one of my darkest moments, my consciousness awakened—and opportunities surrounded me.

I began reconnecting with my purpose through art.
I began choosing joy in small, defiant moments.
I began drinking more water.
Eating better.
Ordering takeout less.

Small choices.

I centered myself in my own circle. I am strengthening my relationships. I found delight in my gorgeous granddaughter and imagined the sweet one arriving in July.

My business is robust, but I’m diversifying with my art. Not out of fear—but out of expansion.

It sounds like a lot.

It wasn’t.

It started with one small choice at a time.

In Atomic Habits, James Clear writes:

“If you get one percent better each day for one year, you’ll end up thirty-seven times better by the time you’re done.”

Dear beauteous reader, I cling to that one percent like it’s Grandma’s last biscuit.

The Awakening

Before you retire to your boudoir tonight, try this:

Turn off the television.
Set your phone down.
Dim the lights.

Take a few slow breaths and ask yourself:

• What supported me today?
• What drained me today?

Then choose one small thing you’ll do tomorrow to support yourself better.

Better rest.
More hydration.
A walk.
A boundary.

Awaken Your Consciousness is the shift from living by chance to living by choice.